I have a blog

I’m back and have been hearing a lot of CRAZY rumors about successful blogs that I feel the need to address. For example:

1. Blogs need to updated regularly. This is complete and utter nonsense. Maybe I want to go a more traditional route, like magazines, and rather than have my blog be a daily, turn it in to a quarterly. I mean, geez, why would I want to take advantage of the internet’s best feature (immediacy)? I don’t need an updated blog to be a social media expert. All I need is a blog that SAYS I’m a social media expert. Duh. Just look at how successful this blog is, even though I haven’t updated it in months. Pshhh.
   

   I'm writing this blog entry August 23. This unreadable screen shot is of my last entry, May 26. Not that it matters. I'm still an expert.

2. Blogs should attempt to involve its readers. I hear that creating a sense of community and encouraging open discussion can do wonders for a blog, but that’s stupid and since when is communication 2-way? If you’re going to be a SM expert, you should not, I reapeat NOT, talk with people. You should talk AT them. Hell, you’re the expert, right? You don’t need others’ input. All you need to do is re-blog and retweet what all the other SM experts have blogged in your own words. Why actually add useful information to someone else’s blog by commenting or getting involved with others when you can just parrot them instead? You will look infinitely more expert-ish if you have a conversation with yourself about a topic that’s been covered rather than adding to a conversation being had elsewhere.
3. Your content should grab your readers’ attention, or they’ll leave. This is the most ridiculous rumor of them all. There are lots of things people haven’t read all the way through, but know about so who cares? All that matters is that they get the gist, so ramble on. Just to prove myself right, though, I’ll give you an example: You probably know that E=MC² but you don’t know what the hell that means because you haven’t read Einsteins Theory of Relativity.  So it doesn’t matter if you write lengthy, unreadable blog posts. Just put anything in bold so the reader leaves with something, despite the fact that they didn’t read most of your 20,000 word essay on the old retweet vs. new retweet debate.

Lesson learned: Blog Schmlog. Who says you need an updated blog? Who cares that people are going to visit and see your latest, 4-page post about the Flip video camera you got for Christmas…two years ago? All you need to be a social media expert is a blog with your name on it, not one with relevant, interesting or updated content.

Just look at this blog. Have I updated it recently? No. Does it say I’m a social media expert? Yes. That’s all you truly need to be a social media expert, folks.

Ka-ching! I’m so legit.

I have a custom Twitter background

/via pelfusion.com

Look, this is THE easiest way to tell if you’re dealing with a social media expert. Therefore, a custom Twitter background is the most important thing a SM expert needs.

Why?

Well, you’re all communications people, so you know that the first impression is a lasting one.

Imagine this: You’re browsing Twitter for SM experts like yourself or maybe some TweetChat you’re not yet part of, and you come across a new Twitter feed. Yes, the feed is filled with valuable, new information – some of which is even original (not even a re-worded version of a Mashable article), but the text is set on one of the default Twitter backgrounds.

Run, run away as fast as you can. That’s no expert. That’s hypocrisy, my friend. It doesn’t matter if they’re sharing decent information, because if you don’t have a box to the left of your twitter feed with a little picture in it above a statement declaring your SM expert status, you’re a FRAUD.

Scenario 2: You come across a new Twitter feed. They’re information is variations of a few things:

• Retweets of Mashable articles
• Retweets of other SM experts’ tweets
• Tweets about they’re blog full of regurgitated information
• Retweets of people’s retweets of their tweets about their blog

It’s information that’s about 100 other places, but that’s not important. What’s important is that to the left of all those retweets is a square. A creative, so-unique-that-we-all-have-one square. And inside this square, is a slightly bigger version of the person’s Twitter picture and a declarative statement: “I’m a social media expert.” It’s even more legit if it’s followed by the agency the person works for as well as an “I’m available to speak at conferences.”

Sure, the box is a bit blurry and poorly designed. And sure, the person didn’t account for your screen resolution so the words are a bit blurry or maybe hidden. And yes, they could have written the same information in their bio, where everybody could see it always, but no. They made this box, so creatively might I add.

THAT is a SM expert my friends. This is not about original content. This is about stating that you’re a SM expert publicly, then believing it…because believing it is 75% of the battle.

So legit.

I like the color blue

see?

If blue is not your favorite color, then you are not a social media expert.

This is a super easy thing to point out, because everything on the internet is blue:

• Hyperlinks
• Myspace Logo
• Facebook Logo
• Twitter Logo
• WordPress Logo
• The bottom, left-hand square of the Windows logo

• The blue guy that lives in a blue world in a blue house with blue windows, a blue corvette and everything else blue for him, himself and everybody around in that 90′s Eiffel 65 song.

See?!

Blue is pretty much the most legit color in the world for SM experts. I might even start boycotting RSS buttons for being orange, the opposite of blue, because I’m dedicated.

Let the blue live on and color everything you do blue, and you’ll be one step closer to becoming a social media expert.

In the mean time, here’s that 90′s song about all that blue stuff (talk about being ahead of their time):

I’m the queen of the castle

…the social media castle, anyways. Why? Because I’m a woman. Social media expert points are awarded as followed:

• Women: 2pts.
• GBLT: 1.5pts.
• Men: 1pt.

Women enter social media and are instantly closer to being an expert than men. I won’t bore you with any lame statistics about how women really do run social media, because I’m a social media expert (because I said so), and that makes me qualified to spout off random facts without references. Moving on…

Women are just attracted to social media, I suppose, and that’s why we flourish at it. It shouldn’t come as a surprise. Let’s look at some pre-social media, background info:

• We pee in groups of two or more
• We can spread gossip just as fast without use of the internet
• Our outreach skills are impressive: I can tell girl A something, and girl B – who I’ve never even met – will know before lunch.

Then, there’s the fact that we pretty much invented the [original] retweet (i.e. I tell you something, then you re-tell it with your own commentary). Here’s an example:

^ Dramatization

Yup, it’s no wonder we’re good at social media.

Girl power.

Disclaimer: I do not have an STD and here’s a link that has legit stats about women running social media.

I participate in tweet chats

If you don’t participate in some type of tweet chat, you are not a social media expert. I’m sorry folks, but come on. Like I’ve said a few times now, being a social media expert takes dedication.

Yes, I know you have a job, and yes, I know that job does not involve social media (though I’m sure it involves communications or marketing), and yes I know that your boss would probably be unhappy if he knew that he was paying you to participate in a tweet chat every other Thursday from 2 – 3 p.m. But your an expert, and that is what you need to do.

Why? Because all the other social media experts will be there, duh! You’ll meet students. Students are great experts because they’re so dedicated they even sacrifice class lectures for Facebook. Now that’s impressive.  You’ll also meet professionals (not social media professionals, just people with jobs). They’re experts too, mainly because they’ve read a book about Twitter and because they said so.

Tweet chatting with these people will instantly bump you up to social media expert status, especially when someone visits your Twitter feed and sees 46 #CoolSMChat hashtags.

I have a communications degree/career

People who study and/or work in any communications-related field (or that sneaky, little marketing major that often hides in Business), like I do,  are all social media experts.

Why? Probably because when social media came out, PR people wrote a press release about it, then the advertising people read it and advertised how great it could be for communication/marketing people, and then the marketing people branded social media as being ours and only ours.

The good news is that you don’t even need to own a computer. All you need to do is go to school/be hired in one of these fields, and you are instantaneously allowed to both add “social media expert” to your resume and do any sm-related task.

In fact, you don’t even need to add that you’re an SM expert to your resume, because when potential employers see what you majored in, they’ll know. Example from my resume:

I think that pretty much says it all, don't you?

Now go start a blog and tell everybody about the skills you didn’t know you had.

Step aside, Pete Cashmore

Not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty sure that I clinched my status as an SM expert today. How, you ask? Good question.

First, I read not one, but TWO articles on Mashable.com. That’s right. To be a SM expert you need to be dedicated, but my greatness didn’t stop there. After reading, I was one of the first 100 people to retweet the article!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! FIRST 100!

So pretty much, that makes me a legit source of SM info. Yes, it’s not my information and all I did is read and retweet the article, like 3,012 other tweople eventually would, but I’m pretty sure since I was only number 83 to hit “retweet this,” I have some authority in the SM world.

Congratulate me later, and somebody tell the good folks over at Mashable that they should probably just hire me now.

Think you’re a social media expert?

That’s because you are. Anybody can be a sm expert. All you need is a Twitter account and a blog about anything that’s registered on WordPress. Voila!

Congratulations you social media maven, you!

Hope you enjoy this blog all about how serious and impressive being a social media expert is.